On the Inside

Amazing what you can find, on the inside...

The Truest Me

This is me

the girl that danced

to hand me down 45's

because there wasn't enough money

for her ballerina dreams

singing and dancing her heart out

in the mirror

This is me

the girl who picked up

stones and pebbles

along the littered streets

because they were pretty

and different

solid and permanent

unlike her life

This is me

the girl who loved to read

by the window in the rain

the pitter patter of drops

to take me away

where the world was not full

of chaos

enchanted by fairy tales

and princes that always

saved the day

This is me

the girl who thought

that she could save the world

with kindness and love

only to be shown

that the loveless

and unkind

sit at the top

This is me

the girl who believed that

she would be something

other than ordinary

who would lead a life

of exploration and wonder

her name not just a number

but a force

to be recconed with

This is me

the girl who was, is

a dreamer

who still believes that good can win

and that you shouldn't compromise

your soul for frivolous things

that still longs for the day

that she can sing on stage

unafraid of singing off key

the girl that yearns for happiness

and fulfillment

in the little things

I am the girl of my past

and the woman of my future

This is the truest me

Momentum

~::{Momentum, by me}::~

I have a feeling that this year is going to be flippy-floppy.  No, not like the sandals...but wouldn't that be nice to be living on the beach?  No, what I mean is that as things come into alignment they are going to create flip flop emotions inside of me.  The famous butterflies in the tummy.  The feeling of uncertainty that clouds your vision, even if temporarily.

I have been asking all those who will listen from above to streamline my life, to take away the unnecessary garbage that is taking my precious time and wasting it, to help me become the businesswoman that I want to be...alll this is happening in quick measure.  It's all happening like a tidal wave in slow motion...you know it's coming but you are anchored and can't move. 

And I am standing here wondering if all is good.

My new website is coming along beautifully and I am so excited to have it launch.  But gosh, such a big step for me!  Will people buy from it?, how are they even going to find me out there will millions of other people?, blah, blah, blah...you know the ugly fear monster keeps on chattering away happy that he could get a mini novel dissertation in before dinner has even come to a close.  I'm trying to shut  him up because it really is going to be beautiful.  I will definitely post more in the coming days about it when it is ready to go live.

I am trying to keep calm and carry on, as the popular phrase intones.  Gracie said that this is all good, for old crap has to be moved out of the way for the new, good stuff to come in.  She is right...but I feel like I am in limbo again!  Conversations that were had have not yet come to fruition and I wonder if I am good enough.  Seriously, what is up with not feeling like I deserve to be moving forward?   Ugh!  I have always walked through, with my head held high, for who I am is not a reflection on anyone else but me.  Yet, I feel a little sad about all of this.  I guess the letting go process still carries the tie of emotions and energy that has been invested into a project, job, person, whatever.  You still need to process through that and release any attachment associated with it to move forward.  That includes feeling a bit sentimental, I suppose.  sniff.  sniff.

Momentum...the word, the mantra.  It's hanging on my fridge as a constant reminder to keep on going. 
Say it with me..momentum, momentum, momentum....
Keep repeating it.
Momentum...

The End of Luxury

That is what I will call these days...the days of luxury.  Where I played with my pretty gems and did not put on make up (even to go to the store...e-gads!) or clean the house or try to make any semblance of the directions of things to come.

 I just was. 

What a beautiful feeling, just to be and not have to march to the beat of anyone's drum but your own (well, ok...for most of the time anyway, I have a family you know). 

This time alone is what I have so desperately needed.  I was insatiably craving the opportunity to not worry about anything  except whether or not I was going to create... or make dinner... go sledding... bake a decadent chocolate peanut butter ganache cake for my husband's birthday.  No matter what choice I made, it was the right one... purely driven by instinct and free will.

How often do we really allow ourselves to live the day without parameters? Or are we scheduled to the absolute mili-second so that when we do have a moment to breathe, it is simply enough air to sustain us before the next onslaught of madness and mayhem occurs.

We wonder why things are the way they are...

If you have any possiblity of taking some time for yourself...please, do so.  It is so good for your soul, your psychological well being, although probably not so much for the waist line and new years resloutions :)

Rebirthday

~*{ One of my favorite pictures from The Summer of Pink and Yellow, by me of course}*~

Today is my Rebirthday.  And today, I turn One.  A whole year has come to pass since my scare with the thing in my head, the little smudge that turned a life around.  Today was the day that all things that I thought to be true vanished.  I was stunned, and scared about my future.  That day started a journey of the soul that has led me to know my self better, to hash out all of the muck that has held me back, to birth the real person that I am inside.
So today I celebrate my Rebirthday, with a searing headache that feels as if a poker is going through my left eye then up and around my head...the same side of the smudge.  Maybe it's just saying, don;t forget of what I have done for you, remember me for my goodness.  Maybe it just wants to have a piece of cake.  We all like cake, don't we?  But really, it's probably just the stress of not being quite where I wanted to be in life (and still in a place that doesn't hold my highest and best good as a top priority), a year later from the day of reconning.  Maybe it's saying, you made a promise not to be stuck in your old life, so get on with it there sweetheart.  I'll take that last statement to be the truth.  I am getting on with it, because I am further along the path than I sometimes realize.
So when I write to you on my second Rebirthday these are the wishes that I would love to have come true...
1. to be happy and healthy, with the same for all that I hold dear
2. To be living my dream life and being fulfilled by the truest and best career/job/occupation that I choose
3.  To keep sharing myself with the world, one snippit at a time (and that people want to hear about it!)
4.  To have my soul bloom into all that I need at that moment, to be my truest and best self

Happy Rebirthday to me!

Fragments

The tree fell to the ground

hard

thump

shatter

splinter

crash

silence

shards of technicolor glass

everywhere

fragments

pieces

slices

of my past

teardrops start to fall

down their

cheeks

hands

my heart

I have lost my past

in an

instant

moment

minute

lifetime

I kneel on the floor

amidst the glass

poked

sliced

bleeding

fingers

remembering the wounds

of yesterday

my past is no more

just shattered

and discarded

like the glinting

rainbow of glass

collected

in my weary hands

:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*

Dedicated to my Christmas tree that decided that it had had enough glitz and gllimmer for one year and simply wanted to take a rest ...on the floor, facedown, shattering almost every vintage (and not so vintage) glass ornament.  We had just finished decorating the tree and I, following a little tradition of giving my girls a new ornament every year, went to pull my spoils from the bag.  The girls squeeled in excitement as they sat on the couch examining the new ornaments, when out of nowwhere I turned to see the tree going horizontal...fast.  I was thinking about how I had loved all of my old  and scraped up ornaments.  They were a symbol of my childhood that was filled with fear, abuse, abandonment and poverty.  Funny, I had thought that even though those ornaments were battered, scarred, chipped and stained, they had still found a way to shine just as brightly as the new and sparkly ones.  In fact, I had a deep fondness for them more, than any other ones in the bunch.  Now, they were gone.  Shattered and broken to pieces.  Tiny little shards of my past...gone in an instant.  Maybe it was God's way of saying to me...let go of the past troubles, they are gone now...you are free to start a new past after you pick up the pieces.  This Christmas does start a new chapter of my life as things have come full circle, as they say.  It is a close to a year that has seen the prospect of death, renewed life and the loss of those we love.  It has been a year of change and evolution ..for my will, my instinct, my craft and my soul.  A year ago at this time, I wasn't even sure if another Christmas would come to pass for me...a reconing that I will never forget.

I am a different person at this moment because of all that has gone before me ...

and I am grateful.

A Simple Prayer

Courage

I need you

I welcome you

without you

I will not survive

even one more moment

in the places that

bleed my soul

Grace

I need you

more than ever

to help make my

truth

my life

what it needs to be

Faith

I need you

to hold my head up

when I feel the end

has come too quickly

Hope

I need you

to make me believe

that my hardship

is a means to a better life

that the lessons that I have learned

will carry me through

the entrance to "better"

These things I pray today

for I have reached a point

that will not allow

for the leaching of

my power

my energy

my soul

my happiness

I have come to the realization

that I cannot exist in a place

that does not serve my higher good

but only uses my talents

for their benefit

and none of mine

It is disenheartening

It is gut wrenching

It is terrifying

But please, God

I need your help

to make my life happy

to fulfill the covenants

that I have been asked to fulfill

now, so long ago

Please, from the depths of my soul

show me my purpose

my destiny

my authentic livelihood

so that I may

serve your will

and higher good

Silently

Silently, I contemplate

my release

the purging of my soul

has no boundaries

I am awash with the mysteries

of myself

captured and enamoured

by the complex simplicity

that lies in my heart

Silently, I grieve

Am I to be only half full?

A meager displacement of the wonder

that I have been

in lives before?

Or am I to be

an overflowing cask 

of the sweetest wine

that leaves a warmth in your belly

and a yearning in your heart?

Silently, I dream

I yearn for my new lifetime

Full of amazement and adventure

I look for the breaking open

where the chasm can release

the greatness that has been held inside

for aeons

Silently, I wait.

A Much Needed Rest

My friends, I  have needed rest.  With a spiltting headache and dizzy gait, I laid my head down to ease the turmoil that has been created by all that surrounds me.  It worries me, these spells of disjointed chaos reaked upon my physical self.  Maybe it is one more sign to make a choice that will serve my higher good...and not those of others.  I have been burning the proverbial candle at both ands, and the middle as well.  I will need help to extinguish all but one of these flames.  I fear that my life, my sanity and my purpose depends upon it.

Let me shine one light for the word to see. 

Brighter than any flame that has gone before this. 

One light to show my soul. 

One passion to create beauty for all to see.

Rock Week Day 3 - Rutilated Quartz

~*{Dana Necklace, $49 in Goldfill at Kasiablue}*~

~*{Glowing Branches in Black Rutilated Quartz & Green Amethyst, $52 at Kasiablue}*~

~*{Glowing Branches in Golden Rutilated Quartz & Citrine, $52 at Kasiablue}*~

Today is the day that I introduce you to one of my newest friends, Rutilated Quartz.  My growing penchant for this stone has been somewhat of a quandry to me, since I am a true blue girl all the way.  Yet, somehow this haphazard, wild and glowing stone has captured my attention, and my heart.

As you can tell by now, I rely solely on my natural instincts when it comes to picking out gemstones.  I go for what feels right and what I feel I can't live without (which is quite disconcerting to my husband, because he can hear the credit card screaming as I take part in gem-a-palooza).This year as I was making out my list of "must have's", rutilated quartz was number one on my list!  One of my favorite qualities that rutilated quartz possesses is that each stone will never be the same as the next...almost like Mother Nature's fingerprints have been encapsulated in these petite, sparkly wonders.

A little about Rutilated Quartz:

This enchanting stone is generally made up from clear or smokey quartz crystals that have a variety of rutile, or strand like, inclusions that form in random patterns creating a striated, mesh like imprint throughout the stone.  The rutile inclusions(made from titanium dioxide) can come in a variety of colors ranging from golden yellow(the most common) to green, copper, brown and black(also known as tourmalinated quartz ~ where the rutile element is from black tourmaline). It's element is storm and it is useful for every chakra by helping to balance and equalize.

Rutilated quartz is a stone of immense energy.  Some even say that they can feel it buzz in their hands!  Talk about power!  The special thing about this stone is that it is highly programmable (due to the quartz crystal) and because of the rutile inclusions, it's power is amplified by the amount and concentration of the strands in the stone.  This magnificent stone also helps to bring about attunement of the soul and amplifies your intentions quickly, helping you to manifest on a grander level.  It's superior qualities include heightening intuition, emotional catharsis, the expansion of consciousness and interdimentional travel.  It helps to balance all of the chakras and equalizes your energetic field, making you more receptive to insights and spiritual inspiration.

How can you not love this stone?  One caveat though, this stone is not for everyone.  Many can't wear this stone since it carries great strength.  Even though it is great for equalizing, many people can't handle the quick work that rutilated quartz will do.  So, if you are a novice to this stone, choose one with less rutilation and more quartz crystal...it will  be much gentler on your psyche.  I promise!

I hope that you have found this stone as intriguing as I have.  Tomorrow's installment...Labradorite!

Rock Week Day 2 - Kyanite

~*{Blue Storm Earrings $49 at Kasiablue}*~

***************************************************************

For day two of rock week, I have picked one of my absolute all time favorite stones...Kyanite.  I fell in love with kyanite about 3 years ago when I started to make jewelry for myself and went to my very first gem show.  Not knowing the ins and outs of what to buy (and what was a good value or too expensive), I decided to buy the things that innately drew me to them.  Needless to say, our love affair began that very day.

A little about kyanite the stone:

Kyanite can range in color from vivid sapphire blue to a dark and muddy brown grey.  It's geological fromation is that of long and flat, bladelike crystals that look like layered sheets of shimmering paper.  In fact, kyanite is not a very hard stone when cut along its parallell sheets, making it sometimes too brittle to be used for jewelry.  Only when it is cut against it's vertical axis does it increase in hardness...a unique and important little tidbit that I will talk about later.  It's element is storm and aligns itself with all chakras, with special emphasis on the Third Eye (6th) and Crown/Head/Heart (7th).

In the metaphysical sense, kyanite is classicly used in healing and releasing old patterns that no longer serve us.  It is one of the only stones that allows for engergy to flow in and out of itself, i.e. does not hold on to energy (due to its two levels of hardness that I mentioned above) allowing the wearer to cleanse and align all of their chakras.  Kyanite is optimal to link the astral and physical body bringing the wearer to a full and connected awareness in all levels of consciousness...giving the wearer clear download of information in any state.  That's Powerful! 

Kyanite does come in a variety of colrs and each variation is used for a specific purpose. 

Blue: for lucid dreaming and clearing energy blockage/aligning the chakras.

Green: connects you to the truth in you heart and lends a stabilizing effect to one's natural surroundings bringing forth truth and sincerity.

Black: clears energy blockages in any chakra, balances the system and helps to bring forth past lives.

Indigo (my favorite): Important for lucid dreaming and astral travel.  Indigo is the most energetic of all the colors, helping one to get to the truth of a matter and dispelling uncertainty, letting one have clear vision to attain their dreams and aspirations.

I hope that you have enjoyed today's installment.  Tomorrow we will talk about a new found friend...Rutilated Quartz!

Inspire Me Mondays...Me and My Fortune

This is my fortune...
This is me (with out makeup)with crazy dizzy spells today...(what the fudge!!!)

My Opportunity...from shopping at the gem show

More opportunity

***********************************************************************************

I am very fortunate in what has been presented to me. For the first time, I am not squandering it. Instead, I am tapping into my instinct and intuition...I am using all that God has given me to make this place more beautiful, one sparkly bauble at a time.

So, maybe for the first time, I am inspired by me. By my makeup less face and the wrinkles starting to form around my eyes. By my desire to do good. By my drive to be successful...to provide for myself and then some. By my gifts and dreams of insight and prophecy. By how I can love so deeply. By my creativity and smarts.

Good Fortune: You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.

Indeed, I already am.
**************************************

p.s. I think I'll play those numbers, they just might be lucky ;~)

The Heart of a Fake Rose

~*::{The Heart of a Fake Rose}::*~

I sat there

transfixed
knowing that I
could have
should have
been the one
up on stage

Funny how life
directs
the symphony
sometimes
the cacophony
of our concert
our heart wrenching
ballade
our soul stirring
song
that is slightly
off key

I am faced
by my flat notes
my opportunities
squandered
all for the love of
nothing
that has made me feel
inadequate
and sad
that I have not
taken all
that had been
set before me

I have left my meal
half eaten
yet my soul
still hungers
my wine is spilled
on the tablecloth
stains of lust
and denial
and I am
parched

How has this
become my
circumstance
From where
do I lay
my next step
that leads me
from
myself

Inspired Life Lesson #8...Intention

~*::{Flowers for me, from a friend}::*~

I have never had much patience

everyone tells me so
I am always in overdrive
a flood of information
at the drop of a hat

this scares some people

I suppose my intensity
has never been channeled
into a proper
purpose
I do know
that if I set my mind to something
if I truly desire it
it will be mine

the power of intention is amazing

I was told yesterday that this year
from birthday to birthday
is made up of three principles
for me
intention
expansion
healing
all three working
in synergy

a spiral of force surrounding love

I was also told that
I need to take a breath
and not peek at the souffle
in the oven
for it won't rise
if it isn't allowed to work
in the right time

I send forth my intention
for myself and my conspirators
that we three gain the courage
to be exactly what we need to be
at the right time for us
and to not fear
those who don't believe in our possibility
especially ourselves
seeing with clear vision
what we are about to become

Inspired Life Lesson #8...Happiness

~*::{From my overgrown and unweeded garden}::*~

.....................................................................................................

Today I reached out for happiness

and it hurt me

I went to pick it up

to move it someplace nicer

and it poked me so hard

I thought that I might bleed

Although it still hurts

it only chipped a nail

and left my finger tender

I'm not sure if it was a good sign

that when I went for it

it bit me

Metaphorically speaking

many would have a field day with this

I think that it means that

I must reach for my happiness

even if it hurts me

I must move my happiness

to a nicer place

even if it is full of challenges

Where do you keep your happiness?

Back Flips

~*::{The Famous Shamu, at Seaworld}::*~

When life seems to be way too much...
When you have too many obligations and not enough time...
As you complain about all that you don't have, but haven't looked at all of your riches...
Or just when you feel blue...

Think of all the creatures that live their lives in captivity. Think about their lack of freedom. They are spectacles and novelties, doing backflips for a few fish. How do we liken our lives to these creatures? Are we encapsulated in glass walls just waiting to get to the other side? We can see it, but have the barriers (self imposed or not) that hold us back? What little fish do you crave and what would you do to get them?

I have a strange dualistic love hate feeling about zoos and the like. I always feel more drained when I return, feeling saddened by the fact that we have put these beautiful creatures behind glass bars. I know that as a society we are enamoured with the mystery of others...animals, creatures, aliens, you name it. But I can't help feeling sorry for them. Oh no, now I'm going to start singing Free Willie LOL

I was glad that I got a chance to see Shamu. He reminded me of all the barriers in my life. He reminded me that I can be glorious, if I only believe in myself. I can be awe inspiring just like him. He remided me not to go for the Little Fish, but to aim higher and get the Big One for all of the hard work that I do. He reminded me to keep on my path and to take some chances.
I felt a strange kinship with you Shamu...maybe we swam the salty seas in a life long past. If I could have, I would have given him a big hug and opened the gates!

~*::{Set yourself free from all of the glass barriers that hold you back and live the life you have always dreamed of. You won't regret it!}::*~

Inspired LIfe Lesson #6...Surrender

~*::The Sunset, taken from our car window on the way home::*~

It's very interesting when you have to let go, to surrender yourself to the moment at hand. You have no push or pull, no give or take...you simply just are. Have you thought of what it would be like to know that you are entering that point of surrender in your life? When you know that all that you have accumulated over the years...your home, your car, your money, your possessions... all that you have worked so diligently for is truly inconsequential?


Over the past week I have had a birds eye view of this surreal process as my Mother in Law started to sort out the things that were given to her...either bought or made by loving hands..back to those who had been so generous. You see, our vacation was not a total vacation as one would plan it. We drove down to the Sunshine state to make sure that our memories of a great lady would be preserved in our hearts. My Mother in Law has cancer that has spread to liver. The origin is unknown as they will not attempt to search endlessly for an answer or place her in any more pain...sometimes it is best to let surrender take over. The swift hand of disease has taken over so rapidly that we truly do not know how long her spirit will grace the earthly plane. Her last oncology appointment was on Tuesday, hospice was there at her home the next day. The siblings have all come to see their Mama Bird, who is too weak to fly, too fragile to spread her wings. We are resigned to the fact that this was our last goodbye.

................................................~*~*~.....................................................

So, to continue on with the lessons that have been set forth, your lesson for this week is to live in a moment of surrender. Let the natural path of this life take you on a journey without judgement or fear. Take 10 minutes out of your day and think about what you truly need in this life, and what is just an accessory. It's usually then that we find that our lives are not what we wish them to be, because of our focus on what adorns(controls) our attention away from our truest path.

~*::{Surrender yourself to the real you because you are so beautiful}::*~

I have no reflections from last week except ... you are not what you own or possess. You are a refelction of everything that surrounds you, as it is a refelction back on you. Do not be afraid of yourself or what immense wonder you are capable of...in you everything is created. You are life, love and joy.

Inspired LIfe Lesson #5...Cherish

This weeks life lesson is about cherishing all of the people that are in our lives. Following a week that has left the entertainment industry in mourning, we are reminded that life is acutely short. And although I am not one that will boo-hoo the death of a celebrity, the past few days have been a gentle reminder that we must live our lives to the fullest, everyday...celebrity or not!

Later this week our family will be taking a trip to cherish one of our own...my Mother in Law. Her annual trip north was first planned, then postponed and finally cancelled due to health reasons. So, we decided to pack ourselves up and head south for a bit of the sunshine state, with a trip to visit Mickey before we head back home to the chilly (!) north.

Cherish the ones that you love.

Contact those whom you have neglected to call.

Hug your kids, parents, friends...with meaning.

Smile at a stranger...for you may be the only joy they experience that day.

Live your life without regret.

Love your family.

Love yourself.

~*::{Reflections from last week}::*~

So, did you do something nice for yourself? Believe it or not, so many of us always put that as the last priority. I hope that you fought those urges and just did it!

In efforts to keep along with my self imposed homework, I went shopping for a bathing suit. Now, I'm not so sure that I really treated myself in doing that since all of the "negatives" came flooding back to me as I stared at myself in the dressing room mirror, under unforgiving fluorescent lights. All I can say is...ahhhh, the power of cheese!

Needless to say, I did get a bathing suit after pretending to ignore the real size that I needed to wear and the sizes that hung on the "put back" rack. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself (that's an assignment that will be a toughy!), but old habits die hard. The suit is nice...a leopard print top and a black flippy bottom (to disguise the junk in the trunk...ok, who am I fooling?). Guess we all know what assignments will be coming in the near furture, don't we ;~)

Inspired Life Lesson #4...and a wish

~*:: Birthday cupcakes for my girls ::*~
~*::Only 2 left from 4 dozen!!! ::*~

This week I would like for you to do something sweet for yourself. It could be buying that super decadent sugar laden foo-foo dessert at your local pastry shope. It could be getting a massage, pedicure, manicure, or facial. It could be just a walk alone in nature. Whichever you choose, make it something that you never (or rarely) do for yourself. You are worth it and with all of the hard work that you did last week decluttering your lives, you just might need it!!!

*******~*::}{::*~*******

~*::{Reflections from last week}::*~

I spent all of last week doing a process called simplification at work. It's meant to make your work experience simpler by streamlining your work flow and storage areas. At first, I thought that I would dread it, but by the time that I was finished I was elated! So much so, that I am going to buy a p-touch ( or p-diddy as we like to call it) machine for home! On the home front though, I have finally taken the steps that I need to "declutter" my finances. It's been a long time coming and I am finally starting to be able to breathe again. I also have started to officially organize my gems and beads (hence the p-diddy). My creative process is affectionately called "beautiful chaos"...need I say more?

And last but not least...

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dad's out there that give their lives to protect, provide and love their families. We love you!

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Inspire Me Mondays...words

~*::Inspired Words for Inspired Minds::*~

The picture above captures some of my all time favorite books. Some were given to me as gifts, others purchased upon sound recommendation and intent promises that I would not be disappointed as I sifted through their dog eared pages. If you have not had a chance to peruse these lovely editions, please give them a try this summer. you might be pleasantly surprised how your life just might change :)

From top to bottom:

** A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson**

** Angels 101 by Doreen Virtue**

** Oneness with All Life by Eckhart Tolle**

** The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls**

** Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss**

** Clean Living Magazine**

What words inspire you?