Questions

Is there a moment where only love exists

where you catch your breath

and feel full inside once again

was there a moment like that between us

was that ever our reality to enjoy

uncluttered by expectations and lies

the unattainable fantasy of perfection

Is this where our heart makes its bed

where the soul sleeps lightly

an unlikely accomplice in our little game

treading water patiently, awaiting its rescue

encircled by sharks and debris from its broken vessel

I have never been the person that you yearned for

the one that ignites your passion

encircles your heart with flames

I am the one that leaves you wanting

searching to reclaim your dignity

for you are too weak to speak the truth

I have locked my heart away

seared the bolts shut with my tears

no longer stoic in my ways

there are no more secret passages

or keys left under the doormat

I will not allow this duplicity its lifeblood

Is there a moment where the heart will stay

open to all possibility and newness

even if it is too weak

to get on its knees to pray?

In These Days of Springtime I Have Walked My Weary Land

In these days of springtime I have walked my weary land
Torn and ravaged by the storms within
I stare at the chaos of my beautiful insanity
Dangling limbs, excised roots, muddy thatches
I am humbled by your power
Enchanted steps taken along the well trodden path
I sidestep the cracks and rough patches
Trying to avoid stumbling, resisting failure
I fall, scraped and muddy
My pride more tattered than my dress
This is the dark abyss that I claim in moments of pure madness
It is these days that resurrect my soul
Correct the solitude of life’s bleak winter
Calm the whirlwind that overtakes my lucid moments
It is the smell of rebirth from the life spring that you create
That is hope for all that are willing to become whole again
In all of the battered land and barren landscape
You are in the process of restoration
Renovating the landscape to the new fashion of the day
A decorator that changes form, size and shape
I am in awe with the realization
That maybe all the destruction was planned
In order to begin anew
Yet, my urge is to stand up against the change
A citadel held strong against the flames and arrows
Steadfast in the battle, unwavering
There is to be no destruction, it is too devastating
Encompassing every memory, every moment
But I am not in control
I do not command the grass to grow
The sun to shine
The wind will blow and I will be changed again
In this springtime I will be reborn from your handiwork

You have plans that I cannot comprehend

Poem written By Kasia May 2007.

Photo is a stock photo...a perfect example of simultaneous destruction and rebirth.

Crossroads

I feel that I am at a crossroads. I am standing there, looking forward...but my path is uncertain, clouded by perceptions that have been laid before me by all those who think that they are in control. I am stuck there, this quagmire of swirling chaos that is called the present. There, in this space I am dying. Desolation and self loathing creeps in, only to be pushed away by imperfection and fear...such good friends I keep these days. I know that my shell is breaking, the new self wants to emerge. But who is that person? How does she fit into the plan? I would love for someone to point their finger and give me the direction that I need, but everyone around me seems paralyzed...or is it just me?

I am looking to the new breath of each day. Fingers crossed that this one will be better than the next. Hopeful, grateful, and so wanting that change to come. It will be there, I know...but not in my timeframe. For if that was the case, I would be there already.

Photo is a stock photo from a man named Peter...love his stuff!

My Little Sweet Peas

In the everyday psychosis that I call my life, I am always trying to seek balance and harmony. Hence, the past days of "spring break" with my daughters have been wonderful!!!!!!!! Nothing like being home in your messy little nest with your stinky babies!

As most of you know, I have been selling on Etsy since August. If you don't know what Etsy is all about ...shame on you! No, really, it's a place to sell everything handmade. From jewelry (like me), to vintage, to food...you name it! As long as it is made with your very own pretty little hands!

Two days ago, my darling little girls and I started Sweet Pea Supplies on Etsy as a group effort. (now mind you, my girls are 7 and almost 5...so it is definitely a little skewed on the "group of Mom" side!) I had been thinking of doing a supply shop for a while, but I guess that this was the right time to get it going...especially since I had 2 willing little partners in crime! They were so excited to set up the shop, pick the pictures, list the items, etc. , etc. It was a fun time had by all.

As with any business, you never know what to expect. I am doing this for me to be able to keep creating and pay for my passion. But most importantly, I am also doing this for the girls...to teach them finances, responsibility, service...but to also let them know that they can do anything that set their little hearts to!

So, we listed our items and my older daughter said "Momma, check to see who hearts us". With fingers crossed (adult wisdom teaches us that instant success does not generally happen) I clicked the button....we had 2 people heart our shop within minutes of listing things! The kids were going wild! I had to calm them down and let them know that this is not usual. That is takes time to grow your business and a lot of hard work. I suggested that we go and play outside for a while (which was a no brainer for them), and then we could check back later. Well, we didn't get on until it was almost bedtime to see how we were doing. Much to our suprise and elation...we sold 6 items! On our first day! Who knew????

A lovely lady named Alicia was our first customer and in her message to the seller she said (paraphrased) "Good luck ladies on your new venture...it is so wonderful to see a mother and her daughters doing this together". This message warmed my heart so much! Who knew that I was a good mommy???? :-)

Check out the following links to learn more about Etsy and to visit our new little shop...

http://www.SweetPeaSupplies.etsy.com
http://www.kasiablue.etsy.com
http://www.etsy.com

Love, The Sweet Peas

Forward Movement (AKA Kicking The Ick)

Hasn't everyone felt stuck sometimes? Just stuck in place, being held down by some unknown otherworldly force? Every threat or promise of success and happiness, thwarted by all those mysterious forces lurking behind the scenes?

It's what I call "The Ick"...it's the place that all of us creative individuals go to when you really want to create and you can't. Why, you ask does this happen? Well...self doubt, we're tired, too much stress, realtionship crap, the universe has a conspiracy plot against us and we don't know it yet. It's really the virtual quagmire of forward movement.

Most of us have had "The Ick" from time to time, even if we are not creative or artsy. Most of us experience it in relationships. April 5th marks the one year anniversary of the begginning of my new life. The past year for me has been full of "kicking the Ick". Not creatively, but personally. I have had to get rid of all the crap that weighs me down...the negativity, self doubt, self criticisms, unrealistic expectations and most of all, the viewpoint that everything has to be perfect.
Now, mind you, I have not gotten rid of all of these things for good...the ick loves to bubble to the surface just to make your day just a little bighter. It's really a constant reminder that you are flawed, imperfect, too fat, too this, too that, too whatever, not good enough, blah, blah, blah. The inner voice of the ick can be very powerful, if you let it.

So, how do you "Kick the Ick"?

You stare it down.
You laugh in its face.
You flip it off.
You have a glass of wine with cheese (the ick is allergic to all things yummy).
You love yourself more.
You trust yourself more.
You take chances.

You move forward.

Sometimes, you do this blindly...with faith in the fact that "this too will pass"...because it will. It may not have the outcome that you expected, but it will pass...all things do. In its wake, you will find that things have changed, that you have discovered more about what you really want in life (not just what you are supposed to want), that life can be glorious even when you are hurting like hell, that your friends that are true will be there to smack you back into reality (even if it is with a gentle and caring hug).

At the end of this you will have started to discover your real self...the beautiful, giving, caring, human self...ick scars and all.

The Ick needs you as much as you need it. (Isn't that something?). Move forward with love, courage, and faith that you are doing the right thing (even if it seems to contradict everything else that seems right).

You'll be happy that you did.

Pictures

I have been struggling with pictures....how to take them, edit them, what is the best light....all the things that I have never thought would become my reality. In fact, I never really liked taking pictures. I am definately a point and shoot person. The easier the better.

So, with this foray into becoming my own boss, I have had to make the leap into being a photographer. Not a great one (just yet), but passable. In fact, I have found that its somewhat addictive. Over the past few days I have taken over 368 pictures of my jewelry. I filled the memory card once and had to dump a few to keep moving because the light was just so perfect.

Truthfully, I'm pretty proud of myself. Who knew that the Polish Princess could be so...self sufficient? I am finding out so much about myself ....and learning that, I like it!

What are you learning about yourself?

Endings and Beginnings

It's amazing how things turn out, isn't it? You think that something is done and over, that the end is near and somehow... it turns around. How is it that most people only see the ending in things without seeing the beginning in something brand new? Maybe we are conditioned that way. Maybe our vision is too clouded by the perception of expectations and obligations. Why can't we feel the breeze?



I used to think that Endings...separations, break ups, whatever little hearbreak that falls into that category...were a permanent conclusion to our life's story. Yet, in the recent months, I have learned that to be the greatest untruth ever told! Some things must end in order for us to begin anew... new projects, jobs, loves, destinies...whatever. I have always feared the finite conclusions that have been thrust upon our everyday lives...the permanency was too staggering to comprehend. So, to hedge my bets I became the quitter and avoider...sabotaging every good effort with doubt, self criticism and disdain. I wasn't good enough, worthy enough, skinny enough, pretty enough...never measuring up to all of the impossible standards in my mind.



Last year, I rounded a personal corner in terms of self love and independence. I decided that what I did was good enough...maybe even better than I thought. I have been inspired by the angels that surround me to keep the faith and to trust my "inner voice"...a voice that I have always heard, but had tuned out because it wasn't speaking the mainstream language of the day. Because I have listened to this voice, I have started to live my dreams...creating, sharing, laughing, loving. I am doing everything that I want to do, because I can. That is what I am made up to do...be my best self (all imperfections and criticisms be damned!).



Today, I bought my domain name. It is a huge step for me...I have bought into my dreams, now I am making them a reality. There's no turning back now! The end of my old self has brought forth the beginning of something, and someone, beautiful.

Check out www.kasiablue.com ! It'll be up and running soon.